My Last Resort

Beer Drinking Troubleshooting Tips

SYMPTOM:

Feet cold and wet.

FAULT:

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION:

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:

Feet warm and wet.

FAULT:

Improper bladder control.

ACTION:

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM:

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT:

Glass empty.

ACTION:

Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT:

You have fallen over backward.

ACTION:

Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM:

Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT:

You have fallen forward.

ACTION:

See above.

SYMPTOM:

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT:

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION:

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:

Floor blurred.

FAULT:

You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION:

Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:

Floor moving.

FAULT:

You are being carried out.

ACTION:

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:

Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT:

Bar has closed.

ACTION:

Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM:

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT:

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION:

Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM:

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT:

You are dancing on the table.

ACTION:

Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM:

Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT:

It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION:

Punch him.

SYMPTOM:

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT:

You have been in a fight.

ACTION:

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM:

Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.

FAULT:

You’ve wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION:

See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM:

Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT:

The beer is too weak.

ACTION:

Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM:

Don’t remember the words to the song.

FAULT:

Beer is just right.

ACTION:

Play air guitar.